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I'm a giver.
I give and I give and I give
And I know it will eventually hurt me.

Update: Been Forever

I'm going to start keeping a paper journal again. But until I go home and pick one up, this will have to do. So much has happened since the last update -- I don't know that I can turn it into a coherent narrative.

- boyfriend and i have had sex - lost our v-cards on v-day. it's a steep learning curve.
- passed the first part of three of the foreign service officer test. no one ever passes that the first try - i got really overwhelmed by the second part and didn't finish it.
- boyfriend's best female friend adores me. we talked at the last party at his Haus and she started crying because she was so happy that i was so good to him
- got accepted to the internship program in washington, dc. i dont know what i'm going to
- i think too much - i worry about what's going to happen after the summer when i go to DC between me and boyfriend
- i said the L word to him. he didn't say it back. i got a little bit upset, but didn't not expect it. he's new to this. at least if he feels like he's ready, he'll know that i'll say it back
- i'm staying in east lansing over the summer - i'm paying for my own sublet (250 a month) - i keep telling people it's because i want to try living on my own and i can't bear to live with my parents anymore, but i know it's really because i love boyfriend and i want to stay in EL with him so we can at least have the summer together
- and i'm ok with that
- because it's something that i want
- and for the first time in a very long time i'm so absolutely certain about what I want that i'm not going to pass it up
- at least it'll teach me to be responsible
- i turned 21. i bought my first legal beers at rite aid. classy
- reading marcus aurelius
- so fucking inspirational.

i miss writing and i miss feeling carefree.

All the night without love.

Whyy am I crying.

):

I wish I could ease up. I wish I didn't hold myself back so much.

Dec. 19th, 2010

boyfriend.

lol


so
surreal.



:D
Pretty sure I'm coming down with something. I spent the whole day today (after my final) watching TV and napping, with a brief excursion to get some chicken pot pie. Now I'm watching cat videos on Wimp instead of preparing for a party type of thing, because I don't particularly feel like partying.

But I suppose I should go out anyway.

someone explain

I'm having trouble understanding this:

Tuesday and Wednesday night I slept terribly. I probably got a total of eight hours combined, on top of being emotionally hung over from Tuesday night. So I get home at 6 yesterday with the intention of going to sleep, and even though I'm in bed, in my pajamas, eyes closed, I can't fall asleep. Instead my body decides to have a nervous breakdown on top of deciding that the rice and tofu I ate earlier that night was a terrible idea. Why? Because clearly it hates its own existence so much that it's trying to get me to starve myself to death.

I finally get to sleep at about 1 or 2AM, and wake up at 9 because my roommate is screaming at one of her parents on the phone about a broken snowblower. I can't get back to sleep. I get up, and eat a pita with hummus, which proceeds to make my stomach feel progressively worse, dick around on the computer for a while, and then take the bus to campus to study at the library.

This was my plan for the day -- to study/work on my paper at the library, but apparently the moment I sat down I was overcome with an all-consuming need to take a nap. The irony of this is that I know if I put my head down to try and sleep I won't be able to, and will instead feel 10 times worse and not have any work done on top of it.

Tomorrow night I see Cam, and that is just adding to my anxiety. Of course I'm not his girlfriend -- why would anyone want to deal with damaged goods?

thank god you're here - lover in the red

go to sleep
go to sleep, i'll watch you sweat
spider bite, panic attack, i'm lost for words
what more can a friend do?

make a mess
make a mess, i'll make you cry
leave you there wondering why the floor is all gone

i know that i really can't sing
especially when these words are useless
on and on, and on and on i go
my kingdom is slowly falling down the stairs
taking everything that's in it's way
apologize, i apologized to you

in and out
in and out, is what we'll do
i am stumbling after you
thank god you're here
lover in the red

grow it out
grow it out, you'll look divine
just a simple little line
and then we're done

i know that i really can't sing
especially when these words are useless
on and on, and on and on i go
my kingdom is slowly falling down the stairs
taking everything that's in it's way
apologize, i apologized to you

be proud, you finally made it
knock knock, baby answer the door
be late, i'm stuck in traffic
pushing the gas pedal down to the floor

wanna prove that i'll do it again

i got the nerve
ask me i dare
i've got the nerve
ask me it's true

assuming no

my kingdom is slowly falling down the stairs
taking everything that's in it's way
apologize, i apologized to you

Tags:

it ain't over - i'm not done

I thought I was done with panic attacks -- this shit is ridiculous.

I don't even know why I freaked out. Though I suppose it's understandable, and that it was probably just a physical reaction instead of an emotional one, I feel really awful for making him deal with that.

Now, this morning, I feel exhausted - both physically and mentally. I have an emotional hangover.

Decisions

What am I doing?

I feel like this isn't a great idea but I also feel like I'll regret it if I don't do it.

But it's still making me kind of sick to my stomach. I don't want to lose something good just because I'm insecure.

Also, how am I already steeped in drama?

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